OneFourThree♥

Monday, December 26, 2011

So 2012 is coming. Fast right? It seems so short, but I guess time pass when you’re having fun. We grew up, even though you don’t want to. And next year, I’m no longer a kid anymore. And I’ll miss it. I’ll miss having little responsibilities, I’ll miss studying for exams an tests (even if I complain about it) and I’ll miss just spending time with my friends. Adulthood is coming, and soon, imma graduate and get a job, hopefully. I’m scared of it. The future. I’m so scared of not being able to make it. And be a disappointment. I guess it’s not good to worry about the future, if we have today to worry about.

So let’s answer a few questions since 2011 is coming to an end.

Have I changed?

I used to be so emotional about everything. I still am, but not as much. Because I’m always occupied by loving friends who always have my back. I love them, even if I don’t tell them everyday.

Have I gotten better?

Definitely. I feel that I’ve gone through so much emotional break downs, but each time I get back up. I didn’t kill myself. I didn’t take drugs, or smoke. Even if I could easily turn to them. Well, that is an accomplishment right? I’m still here, ready to face new things. Face whatever challenges in front of me. I’m still fighting.

Did I give up on anything?

I did. I gave up on you. Because sometimes no matter how hard you try, if someone doesn’t love you back, you just can’t force them to. I’ve learn it the hard way, but at least I learnt. Make my own mistakes. Everyone does.

So let’s see the highlights of this year.

February

The day I made friends with sweet guy all the way from USA, Emanuel Valbuena Baez (:
Valentine’s Day: A memorable one, since I went out with people I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

March

My very first photoshoot by Jon and Joshua.
Elites Camp

April

My birthday
JUSTIN FREAKING BIEBER’S CONCERT!
Freshmen Orientation Camp.
Sakura Treat

July

Harry Potter – It all ends.
NDP Rehearsal

August

Sister’s birthday/National Day
Fireworks
POLITE

September

SEG Commissioning
SEG Chalet
NYP Doubles
Hari Raya
Start of FYP

October

Aces Camp

November

Last Day of FYP
Start of IAP

December

Christmas

♥our lips must always be sealed

3:32 PM

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Sometimes I'm quiet, I'm alone. And that's when thousands of memories, thoughts and feelings fill my brain. But I like it that way. It keeps me thinking about the choices I've made, the people I've met, the times I failed.

I'm a mess. I don't know what I'm here for. People I once cherish so much now seems to be just mere stangers. Sometimes it gets hard, knowing that you've put so much of yourself for someone else, and they just don't care. And everything that you did, are forgotten. Everything you are seems so blurry. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just surviving. Not living. Sure I had a few laughs. But they aren't as memorable as the times spent with you.

For once in my life I want to feel worthy. I want someone to fight for me. I want to feel wanted. But I guess I expected too much. And I have to realise that it's never gonna happen.

♥our lips must always be sealed

10:55 AM

Friday, October 21, 2011

Mistakes. We all make them. We all go through with them. And we wished we could take it all back and re-do. But that's life. There's no undo button. Once you've made it, the only thing you can do is try to fix it, but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

To:
I don't really know what I'm doing to you. I shut you out of my life completely. Why? I'm not really sure. All I know at that one point of time, that text you sent me, hurts me a lot. Idk why it did, but I just didn't know how to face you. I tried to forget about it, but something tell me this isn't the way I want to be treated. So I guess the best way to make you "pay-back" what you did to me is to avoid you. Childish? I know. I wished I was more matured. But I can't forget what you've done. Because the damage is pretty bad, and idk why! I'm sorry to put you through this, but there's no way I could undo what I did. It's best if I let you go. I wasn't yours in the first place anyway. With me gone, one less problem for you right?

To:
For months I hold on to you, because I've fallen so deeply in love with you, and I guess you don't really care. Last time, when I see you, butterflies would appear in my tummy, my smile automatically comes on my face, my heart beating so fast. And you didn't even know. My love for you is unhealthy. And it got so bad to the extend that I cried some nights just thinking about you. And it hurts when you're making me jelly with every girl you flirted with. I guess I was naive. But now, those feelings I had when I see you was gone. I felt like we just met. The first time when we didn't know each other. Like that. I was comfortable with you, mutual. I'm still figuring out how I feel for you. And I'm getting damn pissed because I just don't get it. How can I love someone who hasn't got a minute for me, who is happy with his life without me in it? How can I love someone who treats me as if I'm invisible?

I am perfectly fine just being your friend. I want to go back to the first time we met, I wanna be comfortable around you again, but you wouldn't give me the chance would you? You're ignoring me, and I think I know why. It's either because you don't like me, or it's because you're scared that once we start talking again I'll fall for you over again. I wondered about it. But I know how to control my emotions now, so you don't have to worry about that anymore. I just miss us you know, the laughs. I'm not asking you to drop everything for me, but just give me that little care. That's all I really want.

Okay. LOL. I'm bored in my lab and I have a lot of feelings. So I'll end the post with a stupid picture of me!

- xoxo

♥our lips must always be sealed

1:23 PM

Friday, September 23, 2011

After seeing my results, all I have is regrets. Even though I knew it last year, that I should have put in more for year one, it's already too late. Year 2 broke me. It was definitely tough, it brings my friends' grades down too. I like my results now, but when it adds up to my GPA, it's demoralising. Its so difficult to increase my GPA once you get a few Cs in Year 1&2.

FYP. IAP. That's all that's left. IAP doesn't really count, all I'm hoping for is an A or a Distinction in my FYP. I hope it can help me. I really hope it could.

So now that my GPA cannot be helped, I'm googling career options and universities options that is still possible. My dream? Being an archaeologist. It fascinates me somehow. After watching the National geographic and reading about it during secondary school, I somehow loved it. Only now I realise what I really want. After years of pushing away the thought of having to work.

Yes, it's time to grow up. No matter how scary the future is, no matter what happens, I have to work hard to get there. Never say Never :') I hope I can make it. I might fail a lot along the way, but I'm not gonna give up. Not anymore. No more depending on others. I'm gonna do it myself. I'm gonna start to be independent.

GL.

♥our lips must always be sealed

10:19 AM

Monday, September 19, 2011

You're like my own version of Justin Bieber.

And I just realised that last night. I love you like how I love Justin, but you're taken just as how he's taken. I wanna see you, as badly as I wanna see Justin, but both of you are in a different country. You can sing and play guitar, like how Justin can. I haven't heard you, but if I did, I will definitely love your voice like how I love Justin's. I miss you, like how I miss Justin when he came to Singapore. That agonizing feeling I have, in the pit of my stomach, that makes me think about you even more. And both of you are hilarious. And I guess what they say is true. Funny guys captures my heart. The sad thing is, both of you doesn't know I exist. That someone like me has feelings for you. And what you're doing with her is breaking a little piece of my heart.

But it doesn't really hurt when it comes to Justin. I accepted the fact that he's attached and I can't do anything about it. But you.. idk why it's hella difficult. I guess maybe because I still keep our past buried deep down my heart, knowing that at some point of time you were everything to me. How we lost it all. It all seems so unreal, that we were once so close. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

And for Justin's birthday, I made a song for him, that he probably won't ever get to hear because of my cowardice and me not believing in myself. I wouldn't post the video because I was scared of the outcome, I know I wasn't good enough for him. And now your birthday is coming, and I actually planned a gift for you. But just like Justin, you'd probably never get it. Because I'm not brave enough to give it to you, because I'm just not good enough for you. And I'm thinking that you'd probably throw it away anyway.

And just like that, I have to slap myself awake. Believe that you're just another version of JB. Untouchable.

♥our lips must always be sealed

9:05 AM

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Once again, Taylor Swift has read my mind. This song, it's for you. You probably won't even read the lyrics or my blog, for all that matter, but yeah.. This song goes out to you.

You and I walk a fragile line
( We both know it's not gonna work, but we remain close )
I have known it all this time ( all this time )
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
( I never thought I'd see this friendship break )

It's getting dark, and it's all too quiet
( We've separated, there;s just nothing left to say )
And I can't trust anything now ( Not my feelings )
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake
( And you're treating me like I was a mistake you wish to forget )

Oh, I'm holding my breath ( Wondering why )
Won't lose you again ( I don't wish to )
Something's made your eyes go cold
( I can't feel the warmth anymore, I don't feel welcome )

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
( But it's too late now isn't it? )
I thought I had you figured out
( I thought I knew you )
Something's gone terribly wrong
( But I was wrong )
You're all I wanted
( Need I say more? )

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
( It's killing me inside )
I thought I had you figured out
( I did know you, but something changed )
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
( Sleepless nights, crying over you )
Can't turn back now,
( I wish I could )
I'm haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
( Don't I mean anything anymore? )
From everything we had
( I miss us, I really do )
But I still mean every word I said to you
( I still mean it when I said I love you )

He would try to take away my pain
( Other people will try to make me forget )
And he just might make me smile
( And they might make me smile )
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead
( But I wished it was you, every time )

Oh, I'm holding my breath
( I'm still hoping )
Won't see you again
( Tried to avoid you, to forget you )
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
( But I keep coming back, I just don't want to let this feeling go )

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now,
I'm haunted

I know, I know
I just know
You're not gone
You can't be gone, no

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
( Don't leave me wondering, tell me something )

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't go back,
I'm haunted

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it
( But I did )

♥our lips must always be sealed

2:11 PM

Sunday, August 7, 2011

One of the nights I feel so lonesome, so here's a letter to you.

Dear you,

You'd probably forgot me by now. The times we spent together. Remember that? The inside jokes. The times you made me laugh so much I couldn't stop? Yeah, I guess you don't remember. Or how bout that night during camp? The one where we sat at the third level benches, where for the first time I told you that I liked you? I'm hoping you won't forget at least that.

So what happened between us? Things are different now. We hardly talk. It seems like we're just strangers again. And I hate it. Very much. I wished you could explain everything to me. Why you're acting this way, why you don't seem to care, but yet you still want to be on my friends list on fb. There's so many times I wanted to remove you again. Simply because seeing your name, your picture.. It just.. hurts me. I don't know why. I've been trying to let you go. But I guess I wasn't successful enough up til now.

I wish I could remove you as easy as it was for you to remove me from your life. Nothing seems right ever since you pushed me away. You don't know how many nights I cry, just because i miss you. And every time I see you with someone else, I wish that was me. I guess I was stupid enough to mistaken friendly as flirting.

I definitely respect your gf. Idk how she can be so understanding with you. Knowing you'd flirt/hang out with other girls all the time. I guess if it was me, I wouldn't last 2 days with you. I guess that's why things never worked out. I would have been selfish. I wouldn't have understood.

And I know you have a wonderful life. With her. With your friends. And I wish you all the best. I'll write to you more soon.

With love, xoxo

♥our lips must always be sealed

10:23 PM